YOUTH / WISDOM

FROM DREAM TO WAKING

“This is how I distinguish dreaming and waking. When I am awake I can, in some degree, account for and study my dream. The dragon that pursued me last night can be fitted into my waking world. I know that there are such things as dreams: I know that I had eaten an indigestible dinner: I know that a man of my reading might be expected to dream of dragons. But while in the nightmare I could not have fitted in my waking experience. The waking world is judged more real because it can thus contain the dreaming world: the dreaming world is judged less real because it cannot contain the waking one. For the same reason I am certain that in passing from the scientific point of view to the theological, I have passed from dream to waking. Christian theology can fit in science, art, morality, and the sub-Christian religions. The scientific point of view cannot fit in any of these things, not even science itself. I believe in Christianity as I believe that the Sun has risen not only because I see it but because by it I see everything else.“

— C.S. Lewis, “Is Theology Poetry", The Weight of Glory (1965)

AN ECHO AT BEST

“These things – the beauty, the memory of our own past – are good images of what we really desire; but… they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited… Heaven is, by definition, outside our experience, but all intelligible descriptions must be of things within our experience. The scriptural picture of heaven is therefore just as symbolical as the picture which our desire, unaided, invents for itself . . . "

— C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory (1965)

TIM KELLER'S 2¢

“Believers should acknowledge and wrestle with doubts… It is no longer sufficient to hold beliefs just because you inherited them.”

“If Jesus rose from the dead, then you have to accept all that he said; if he didn’t rise from the dead, then why worry about any of what he said? The issue on which everything hangs is not whether or not you like his teaching but whether or not he rose from the dead.”

“Our need for worth is so powerful that whatever we base our identity and value on we essentially ‘deify.’ We will look to it with all the passion and intensity of worship and devotion, even if we think ourselves as highly irreligious.”

“The gospel of justifying faith means that while Christians are, in themselves still sinful and sinning, yet in Christ, in God’s sight, they are accepted and righteous. So we can say that we are more wicked than we ever dared believe, but more loved and accepted in Christ than we ever dared hope — at the very same time. This creates a radical new dynamic for personal growth. It means that the more you see your own flaws and sins, the more precious, electrifying, and amazing God’s grace appears to you. But on the other hand, the more aware you are of God’s grace and acceptance in Christ, the more able you are to drop your denials and self-defenses and admit the true dimensions and character of your sin. This also creates a new dynamic for discipline and obedience. First, the knowledge of our acceptance in Christ makes it easier to admit we are flawed because we know we won’t be cast off if we confess the true depths of our sinfulness. Second, it makes the law of God a thing of beauty instead of burden. We can use it to delight and imitate the one who has saved us rather than to get his attention or procure his favor. We now run the race ‘for the joy that is set before us’ rather than ‘for fear that comes behind us.’ “

“The Bible’s purpose is not so much to show you how to live a good life. The Bible’s purpose is to show you how God’s grace breaks into your life AGAINST YOUR WILL and saves you from the sin and brokenness otherwise you would never be able to overcome… religion is ‘if you obey, then you will be accepted’. But the Gospel is, ‘if you are absolutely accepted, and sure you’re accepted, only then will you ever begin to obey’. Those are two utterly different things. Every page of the Bible shows the difference.”

MOVING MOUNTAINS

The night of my 22nd birthday, my dad called me to say happy birthday. The moment I picked up the phone he started singing me the birthday song, followed by a series of questions of my weekend plans. I told him I was going to Dave & Buster’s and he jokingly forbid me to go. Isn’t that where all the kids go to get drunk and play games, he asked. I guess I can’t blame him for such culture shocks. After I reassured him that I was going to be fine, he quickly turned the tables from a giggly laugh to a solemn tone and asked, ‘Can I just ask you one thing?‘ Of course, Dad. ‘I’ve been reading the news lately, and people are dying left and right…‘ Okay and…? ‘If you died tonight, do you know if you would go to heaven?‘ I can’t count how many times he’s asked me this specific question in my past 22 years, but for the first time in a long time, I found myself listening and thinking hard about both the reason for his asking and the question itself. After what seemed like a while, I answered, ‘Yeah… yeah I do.‘ To my non-surprise, he asked how? ‘Because Jesus died for me…‘ I also can’t count how many times in the past I’ve used ‘Jesus‘ as my guaranteed approved answer. He knew this too, so he proceeded to talk about his church-going friends who would say the same thing but live such unconvincing lives… I stopped him there and said, as best as I could in my broken korean, that I knew I was going to heaven because I knew deep down inside (and out) that I was a sinner. ‘…There’s no good that I’ve done or could do to change that, but I know Jesus took my place out of love…‘ He broke out with the most asian expression of approval, ‘Ahh puh-pect! (perfect)’ and then asked, ‘Then why do you do good deeds?‘ I thought about it soberly and replied as honestly as I could, ‘…because I’m eternally thankful.‘

Right then and there, I heard him tear up. Maybe he heard the feeble attempt at honesty in my voice. Or maybe, most likely, he was reminiscing on his own experiences of grace. Whichever the case, he was losing it, and it was the first time in all 22 years of my life I’ve heard my dad cry. This was the man who didn’t even cry at his own dad’s funeral. I remember now, I was 8 or so, bawling and watching him through my tears as he stood there over the grave, speechless, emotionless, holding it together for the sake of his family. He loved his dad more than life itself and even that couldn’t shake him. Here was that man, struggling to say next, ‘Ha I don’t know what’s gotten into me these days, I can’t control my tears even when at church… I mean, who am I? I’m a nobody… but do you know how thankful I am for what Christ has done for me… he’s given me heaven and earth in exchange for my worthless soul…‘

As I sat there listening to him share about God’s work in his life, I completely lost it. It was the first time my dad and I really talked about the gospel together. In tears for that matter. All these years, I’ve seen my dad’s flaws and failures. His anger, his frustrations, his short-comings. And words don’t need to describe how many times I’ve failed him as a daughter. But I’ve also seen his unwavering love, his diligence, his integrity, and now his humility. I can honestly say that God is faithful and that “he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” (Phil1:6) It’s true what Jesus says about faith: it can move mountains.

WE ARE HALF-HEARTED FOOLS

“If you asked twenty good men today what they thought the highest of the virtues, nineteen of them would reply, Unselfishness. But if you had asked almost any of the great Christians of old, he would have replied, Love. You see what has happened? A negative term has been substituted for a positive, and this is of more than philological importance. The negative idea of Unselfishness carries with it the suggestion not primarily of securing good things for others, but of going without them ourselves, as if our abstinence and not their happiness was the important point. I do not think this is the Christian virtue of Love. The New Testament has lots to say about self-denial, but not about self-denial as an end in itself. We are told to deny ourselves and to take up our crosses in order that we may follow Christ; and nearly every description of what we shall ultimately find if we do so contains an appeal to desire. If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

— C.S. Lewis, Weight of Glory (p. 25-26)

"CHEAP GRACE..."

"…is the enemy of the church. It means forgiveness of sins proclaimed as a general truth… an intellectual assent to that idea is held to be itself sufficient to secure remission of sins. Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance… grace without discipleship, grace without a cross… Costly grace is the gospel [of the church]… It is costly because it costs a man his life, and grace because it gives a man the only true life. It is costly because it condemns sin and grace because it justifies the sinner. Above all, it is costly because it cost God the life of his son… it is grace because God did not reckon his Son too dear a price to pay for our life. Costly grace is the Incarnation of God… When Christ calls a man, He bids him come and die. That is why the rich young man was so loath to follow Jesus, for the cost of his following was the death of his will. In fact, every command of Jesus is a call to die, with all our affections and lusts." (Dietrich Bonhoeffer)

Historical context (summarized from CCM): Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a young minister of the German church, was persecuted, arrested, and executed by the Nazis for speaking out against Hitler’s evil and preaching the gospel. Quote above was taken from “The Cost of Discipleship” (1937), written by Bonhoeffer for his ‘underground seminary’ students who were training ministers refusing to take oaths of allegiance to Hitler and support his racial beliefs. Bonhoeffer was writing about how the Biblical gospel had become twisted into what he called 'cheap grace'…

Thoughts by City Campus… “Cheap grace, the idea that we are saved by grace, not works, had led to the widespread inference that costly obedience was only optional. The reasoning went like this: 'We are saved by grace, not by our obedience… We don’t have to [give, be involved, or witness] to be saved. We just have to believe and ask for forgiveness.' The German church had been founded by Martin Luther himself. But over the years the concept of salvation by grace had degenerated into this ‘religion of cheap grace’ that had created a deep spiritual coldness and malaise in the German church. People believed they were Christians because they were born and raised in the church and they simply embraced the concept of salvation-by-grace. They gave lip-service to the idea of free justification/salvation but it was not changing their lives…

“What is the solution? Notice that Bonhoeffer does not say: ‘Stop thinking God accepts you freely by grace! He only accepts those who are completely committed and obedient!' The antidote for cheap grace–costly grace–is still grace. His argument is simple… He argues that those who have had their hearts gripped by how much our salvation cost God will be willing to do God’s will even if it means the loss of life. He denies that saving faith is merely “intellectual assent” to the idea of free forgiveness. Rather, saving faith (the faith that truly saves you) is joyful repentance for our self-centered lives in the light of the costly salvation of the cross. All who truly see that Christ gave up his life for them will be willing to give up their wills for him. It is a natural response.

“So how do we explain the people who say, ‘Oh, I believe in the gospel that we are saved by grace and not works,' and who then lead unchanged lives, refusing the joyful, costly obedience of discipleship? Bonhoeffer’s theory is that they look only at the free-ness of grace to us, not at the costliness of grace to God. If you don’t truly understand the first principle (the free-ness) you fall into Phariseeism and legalism. But if you don’t truly understand the second principle (the costliness) you fall into apathy, joylessness, and your life does not change.”

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Reading this excerpt from City Campus gave me chills all down my back… It’s that feeling of being completely homeless for however long of a time, and someone comes and drops a million bucks on your lap. Like as if I was hungry and all I would’ve been satisfied with is a bowl of cereal, and someone comes and treats me to a gourmet meal. For so long, I’ve been desperately wanting to know why I do fall into a cycle of apathy, joylessness, and an unchanged life, and it’s been right there, at the cross, all along… I said this in the last post but I’ll say it again: What grace, so undeserved, at such a price.

BETTER THAN LIFE

O God, you are my God,

earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you,

my body longs for you,

in a dry and weary land

where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary

and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life,

my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you;

I think of you through the watches of the night.

Because you are my help,

I sing in the shadow of your wings.

My soul clings to you;

your right hand upholds me.

They who seek my life will be destroyed;

they will go down to the depths of the earth.

They will be given over to the sword

and become food for jackals.

But the king will rejoice in God;

all who swear by God’s name will praise him,

while the mouths of liars will be silenced.

Psalm 63

Only one week into school and I can already feel myself running dry, thirsting for SOMETHING MORE. After an entire year of trying to satisfy myself with the things I thought could fill me up once again, I felt God calling me this past summer to deal with my sins and, as one of my unnie’s would put it, “put some things of my old self to death for good.” And it was there I realized how sinful and weak I truly am. How easily distracted I am, so easily led astray by the things I think I want or think I need…

I don’t think I ever heard God’s voice so clearly in a room full of people ’til this past service. Abe Cho was speaking about the Life of King David, and my heart started racing with anxiety. He was talking about David’s search for God, his satisfying vision of God, and the solution amidst suffering… He was talking about this insatiable longing called ‘thirst’ that would have the whole man succumb to its power. The same thirst that was driving David his entire life as a kid, as a king, as an adulterer, and as one finally seeking after God’s own heart in that cave as he was hiding from his son Absalom who wanted to kill him… The source of all the undercurrent desires of our hearts as our ultimate search for God. He talked about how David as a king had it all, and it was then that he was most dissatisfied. And now having lost everything, he found himself most satisfied, ‘as with the richest of foods’. David endured because he could see God’s glory and beauty. And the power of beauty is that it exists not just to adorn life, but to continue through it. David could taste this beauty so well that he, in the midst of battle, could say, “Your love is better than life.“ Most people will search all their lives for the kind of love that will make their lives better, more satisfying… David found a love that was better than life itself. And through this realization, his life was changed. His life changed not despite his suffering, but because of it.

In the end, David mourned ’cause God promised to bring justice and destroy his enemies, his wrongdoer, which was his own son Absalom. Abe was explaining that as a people all complicit in humanity’s sin, in order for God to destroy our enemies, he’d have to destroy a part of ourselves. But by grace, and grace alone, God brings his own son Jesus Christ to reveal the fullness of his power at the cross, whispering to me in that service that THIS LOVE was better than HIS OWN LIFE… and by believing in that truth, my soul would be quenched, and so deeply satisfied, that even after having lost everything, or even the smallest part of me, or even after realizing how broken and sinful I really am, and even when at this moment the end of the road seems so unclear to me still, I can s i n g . . .

“He who has a why to live can endure any how.”

HER PRAYER

I was looking through my past journals and a note fell out onto my lap. She’s someone really close to me back at home in philly, someone who’s seen me through a lot of my immature spiritual battles growing up throughout middle school, high school, and college still. It’s dated May 28, 2008 and it’s in the form of a prayer:

Dear Lord, 

I pray for my sister Christina. Lord, I praise and thank you for bringing her [here] and for blessing my life with her presence. I pray that as she is in a transition period, and as she often feels that she is in a transition period, that you would be her stable foundation and Rock. The one thing that always stays the same. I pray that you will be her satisfaction and that you would sustain her. I pray that she will grow in knowledge and relationship with you and your Son and that she will in turn grow as the woman you made her to be. May she find herself, her identity, worth, her all in You. Provide her with a community of believers and a Church where she can be used by you and also be edified and sanctified. Reveal your love to her and heal her from her past. We praise you for your faithfulness. 

In Your Son’s name, Amen.

It made me realize how blessed I am to have people in my life praying for me. There’s people living in this world who’s never been covered by someone else’s prayer, let alone experience the power of prayer personally in their lives. I encourage you to just take a minute out of your busy, busy day and pray for your loved ones, your parents, people you see everyday… shoot, pray for people you hate. That you’ll change to love/forgive them as you’ve been forgiven ten folds over. Because no matter how long (or immediate) it takes, one day I'll look back on her prayer and know that God Answers.

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."

— 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

STAFF 2009

I’m giving you my heart,

and all that is within.

I’m laying it all down,

for the sake of you my king.

I’m giving you my dreams,

I’m laying down my rights.

I’m giving up my pride

for the promise of new life.

I’m singing you this song,

I’m waiting at the cross.

And all the world holds dear,

I count it all as loss.

For the sake of knowing you,

the glory of your name.

To know the lasting joy,

even sharing in your pain.

And I surrender… all to you, all to you.

DEAD & ALIVE

“As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

— Ephesians 2:1-10

CALLED BY GRACE

“For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God…

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things–and the things are not–to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God–that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: ‘Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.’

When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on men’s wisdom, but on God’s power.”

— Apostle Paul, 1 Corinthians 1:18, 1:26-2:5

THE WONDER YEARS

I was reading some of my old online journal entries and I came across something I wrote after my first year as a camper (heading into my senior year of high school):

PFC Camp2005
“Thy Kingdom Come (Thy Will Be Done)”
August 16, 2005, 7:37 PM

" ‘Thy Kingdom come…’ Sometimes we’re so up-close to our own pictures. The ones we’ve extravagantly painted in our own desirable ways. And being so close up means we can only see the details. We engage in these details so much that it’s all we understand at times. Oh, we can be so blind. People always say “take steps back to see the bigger picture” but we rarely take action to those words. And some of us will unfortunately miss the point: it’s only when we take those steps that we can see God’s will; His “good, pleasing & perfect” will. The kind of will that’s whole & lacks blemish. But sometimes we just don’t want to let go, because that picture’s all we know. It’s all we see & we fear what might happen if we take action to our words. Once we’ve got something good we don’t want to give it up because we’re content… or we think we’re satisfied.

It hurts, letting those pieces go. Complacency will tell you it’s not worth the effort. But if you really trust Him, you’ll know He provides, even through the pain of your loss. The truth is, that pain is incomparable to the pain He bore for us first, & I will never fully understand that. I know taking those steps back means growing farther & farther away from the details I’ve created for myself, but it also means the picture gets clearer & clearer. It’s in our free will to choose to take those first steps, & I choose…

I may not be at the point when I can say that I knew wholeheartedly what was to come. But I have a promise; His promise. And that promise gives me hope.. that one day I won’t even be able to see those pieces I used to cry all night about. I’ll be standing in awe of His perfect will, and I won’t be able to feel or even remember the loss, because the gain was that much greater. It teaches us the concept of an unseen heaven. Joy of heaven means no more pain, & no remembrance of pain… no matter how much pain was present at the time. There’s an Artist painting our pictures as we speak & I just need to remember that ‘Thy kingdom come’ means my kingdom go.”

It gave me chills reading this, remembering what moved me to write this in high school, and how things have changed since then… It’s my 5th year going back to camp this summer (the first two being that I was a camper) and I remember falling in love that first year… with the theme and the Gospel and the uncertainty of life. Then, there was my second year, the year before I left for college, when I just fell in love with Camp itself:

PFC Camp2006
“In Jesus’ Name”
August 18, 2006, 3:22 AM

“…Every moment spent at camp was worth the headaches & the dead-feel of a morning-body. It’s the beauty of Camp… & I can’t accurately explain the beauty of Camp. It’s just there…

It’s in the morning dew. It’s in the rising sun. It’s in the music, all the jokes, all the good-morning hugs. It’s in Cabin Devotionals. It’s in “Son of God” by Starfield. It’s in the chill dawn, the evening crickets. It’s even in the Super-thanks song.

But most of all– it’s in Your love & what You did with it, for someone like me, & how much that changes My perspective on Your everyday. It’s amazing how much you can take for granted, but a second chance reveals more hidden truth… that I took more for granted than I thought was possible…

Lord, I thank You for a NAME that reigns, for places that bring relief, for faces that don’t misjudge, for a chance to start over (again), for words that help to break my pride, for an identity that identifies with glory, for lessons relearned, for a mind renewed, & for Your gift of grace that covers me, eternally.

This year, I’m learning the beauty of both commitment and community. And as I look forward to another two weeks at camp, I’ll remember how lost I was 5 years ago; I’ll remember how easy it is for me to get lost even now; I’ll try to imagine where I would be today without Christ and without the people placed in my life to guide me, teach me, rebuke me, and love me; I’ll trust that I’m ‘called’ here to surrender to what I want and foolishly think is right for me; and I’ll look forward in gratitude for the love and promises laid out for me by His grace alone.

"GONE GOING, GONE..."

Time never seizes to amaze me. It’s already April and there’s less than two months of school left. My first year as a student living in New York City has been quite interesting, to say the least. I still can’t believe the year’s almost over, ’cause it felt like it all started just yesterday…

Around this time of year exactly 3 years ago, I was a senior in high school that wanted nothing more than to graduate and move on up in the world. I was so excited to leave home that I didn’t care my parents wouldn’t let me apply to an Art school. I was upset, but more importantly, I just wanted out. Around this time of year exactly 2 years ago, I was a freshman at a state university who had no idea what she wanted. All I knew is that I didn’t want to stay. I loved the people, but I wanted purpose. Around this time of year exactly 1 year ago, I was accepted to Parsons and, again, wanted nothing more than to move on up in the world. And here I am today, looking forward to the year ahead on how I can keep going… go further. For these very reasons, I know I was meant to live in the city. And I don’t say this with pride. If there’s anything I’ve learned this past year, it’s that New York is the place for people that love to ‘do’ and ‘go’, and I’ve become a ‘go’-er. Apathetic to the what’s and why’s of things that are done, I’ve found it difficult to see past the mundane rituals of life. I’m fully aware this could apply to anyone at any given place, depending on their own life perspectives, but in this city especially, people just want to keep going… go further.

As much as dwelling on things like ‘heaven’ and ‘faith’ could be considered second-rate priorities, I’m fighting to “keep my bubble stretched”. Last year, when I went on missions to New Orleans, I witnessed the goodness of God in my every day, and my leader reminded me that the joy I feel serving the God that loves me unconditionally will begin to shrink once I step back into my own personal life at home and at school. I felt ready to prove him wrong, but he told me to fight for it nonetheless. Of course, he was exactly right and my bubble did shrink. Very, very small.

But lately, I’m beginning to wonder about those what’s and why’s again. What I really came here to do, and why… I know I’m prone to wander far and wide, but I can’t go for too long without knowing my real purpose in doing anything, and that’s when I’m convinced that the Gospel has me. When I read through Luke 7 about the prostitute that washes Jesus’ feet, I know he’s talking about me. And when I read through Luke 15 about the lost sheep, I know he’s always looking. I’m determined to keep my bubble stretched for the sake of knowing that I am who I am only because of that gift of grace that frees me from my sins every freaking day, and hopefully around this time of year next year, I’ll still be mindful of wanting to keep going… go further… not for ambition but for Him.